Integrity

Sorry if I get preachy, emotional or otherwise, I have had a rough few days.

I was just in the shower and pondering a couple things and I feel impressed to share them with my blog and the 13 people that follow it. how to assimilate my thoughts in a cohesive message can be a challenge. I don't expect people to read through this, it's more for me. Call it a journal entry this evening.

I am 27, I have just gone through the ringer these past few weeks, I cannot tell you how I feel accurately. But grateful is what keeps coming to mind. This has been a trial. It is so funny to see
people that you call friends or consider family that you sacrifice an incredible amount of time, emotional energy and other resources to help them and with one or two conversations they can be against you, not for you, or ultimately everything that previously happened in null and void, it's funny how we give so much and expect all sorts of things, like trust, devotion, friendship, honesty or loyalty, and at the end of the day people will act in what is best for their own personal interests and that is how it is supposed to be. Sure it is nature, but what happened to honor?

The experiences I have recently gone through were all put here for me so that I may learn unconditional love, as emotional as I have been and hurt and what not, I am grateful for these things, it has made me introspect.  I never realized how corrupt people are, the greed that is around us, the enmity and the self serving interests of people, there is scarcity and fear every where, I tend to not notice these things and I see the good in most situations, but wow...

In the past few weeks I have seen dishonesty, lying, lack of integrity, manipulation, controlling power trips, backstabbing, deceit, lack of honor, lack of moral character and it has been demoralizing, to see people you have known a long time show their true colors. That can really hurt. I haven't ever really been this disappointed in my entire life. The moral degredation of human kind is all around us and I never saw it coming, I know that I'll trust again, I won't punish new situations with old results.

There is a quote I truly love... "When someone shows you who they are.... BELIEVE THEM."

For me, this decision has been one of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make in my entire life. Do you choose what is right for you? Do you choose what is right for the people you are loyal to? Do you stand up for what you know in your heart of hearts is right?  Do you speak up? Do you keep quiet? Do you let the world know? Do you be the bigger person? Do you go to war? Do you go to work? Do you go to college?

The road ahead is an interesting one. I have lost faith in people, I don't know who I trust. Funny, I have never had so much faith in God in my entire life as I do right now, in this moment as I type these words. This world will let you down, the people in it will let you down. God has never let me down, God is my refuge. I don't understand how people can live without a higher power... If you don't believe in God, talk to whatever higher power you choose, it could be a purple icecream cone for all I know, it's not my place to make that call, although it doesn't matter, something is better than nothing. I have a choice. Choose to follow people in one direction or another, I will become them. It is inevitable. Do I desire to be these people? Do I want their lives? Do I want their values? Do I want to be like them? I have always said, NEVER take advice from someone you wouldn't trade places with. I believe in this! All advice is autobiographical

Situations like this one I have been facing really make you soul search, I have arrived at a powerful conclusion... I don't want to be like anyone else. I don't really like anyone else enough to want to be them. I have no heroes, I want to be me! The best version of myself I possibly can be. I want to be the passionately curious birthday guy that asks lots of questions because he seeks understanding before being understood, the guy that connects deeply to every human being he encounters, the guy that raps and plays guitar and sings, the guy that gives his everything to his daughter, his family and every person he comes into contact with. I may have imperfections and people may point out things I do wrong or don't do, I am where I am and working towards becoming a better me. But I truly love who I am and why I am this way. There is no one I would rather be. I am imperfect. But I am me. I love people with all that I am, I am proud of myself for that, I truly care for everyone, I am empathetic, sensitive, thoughtful, kind, passionate, happy, moody, romantic and intense. I am genuine, I speak my heart, I tell the truth, I do my best in this life to live with integrity and honor and I stand up for what I believe in, no matter the cost. I feel as though I have been a follower put in a leadership position, it is time to change that. How can one be a follower when there is no one to follow, we walk our own path in this life.

I am hurt, deeply hurt, I feel like I have post traumatic stress from these past couple weeks, it is time to put everything behind me and move ahead in life. My brother David used to say "Without your word, you are not a man." I have had a very eye opening few weeks.

Integrity is everything.

Take a hard look at your self, Who are you? Who do you take advice from? Who do you surround yourself with?  Who are you becoming?