I used to have a MAJOR fear of singing, a MAJOR fear with self consciousness of dancing, a MAJOR fear of water (not knowing how to swim, traumatizing near death drowning experiences as a child, PTSD with deep water) and the big thing that I have struggled with was my sleep schedule. I am a chronic night owl, I have slept in my whole life. So last year I knocked out the fear of Water and I started wakeboarding, this year I really solidified that, as the wakeboarding season is coming to a close I can see the progression and where I need to improve but I am the one that is the beginner that is just learning, I am used to being good at things. So I am still learning and it's interesting to be in that space. Then there was dancing, I learned country and Latin and some ballroom and west coast swing but I hadn't actually tackled the fear or the dancing yet. I thought I had, this month I hit that head on... My friend Tyler Hutchinson came to stay with Halli and I while he gets on his feet for a couple months, we met in Florida a few months back and he's become a good friend of mine. Well, he does stuff with a huge entertainment company and they booked a sold out charity show for child abuse of 6,500 people in the Island of Curacao, which is in the Caribbean off the coast of Venezuela, all part of the Aruba, Bonaire, Curacao chain called the ABC Islands, and RevvNRG is opened over there, so I decided to go down there with them to partake in the show and also build RevvNRG in the Caribbean cause that'd be a fun place to go in the future with my family and friends, so now I am a paid performer in this kid's show, I got casted as one of the lead roles in this show, so I have lines and have to learn a bunch of dances. I have NEVER done anything like this before and all the other performers have dance experience so this is a breeze for them, I am the one behind, learning and beginning.
It brings me back to when I was young. People see me now, they don't see who I was, some that knew me back then do, but most don't. I never had any special skills, or natural talents, if you ever read the story of Teddy Roosevelt, I resonate with that. I always wanted to be "Good enough." Like able to be where everyone else was at, so I worked so hard on whatever it was to excel at whatever it was because I started below average. It has always irritated me when people say how lucky I am or talented or whatever, it diminishes the work I have done and they almost don't believe that I had to work to it. I was always super shy growing up, I had no friends in my first couple years of school and ate lunch alone, always picked last in class stuff, that was me.
On that note... Physically, I started crossfit, I lowered my pride, humbled myself and listened to Payton Parnegg and signed up and started, I changed my diet and water intake and I have started that, it is so intense, to feel like you are going to die every morning and wanting to pass out and getting so dizzy that you question if you are going to finish or die, it's a very addicting feeling. I am training for the Utah Valley Marathon June 9th. I am stoked for it. Talk about a goal! At crossfit I am the weak one that is the beginner that has no idea what is going on, when I am running, I am the slow one that cannot keep up. In all aspects of my life I have done this. Humbled myself, found a mentor, a coach or a teacher of some sort for each aspect and I have submitted my will to theirs and became teachable in order to grow, I must go to the next level in this life.
Emotionally, I cracked my rib and got kidney issues from it and was in severe pain and I met a next level spiritual energy healer named Robert Lopez, I have never met anyone like this in my life, he had me hold my hand up and did some wild energy stuff that I didn't understand or believe in and I could breathe again, it's been over a week and I have been able to go back to normal from not being able to breathe, I never believed in miracles like that but I witnessed one in my own body and cannot explain it. As a result he has become an emotional mentor of mine this month, he has helped me grow emotionally an insane amount in a short time. Leaping and bounding the old me, I am also dating again, not hiding behind the idea of someone or something like that. I am 100% open to any possibility, I am back to being fully open to this:"A woman's heart should be so deeply rooted in God that I should have to seek him to find her." Genuinely I have never been in a better emotional place, my capacity to love other people and to love myself has expanded and is continuing to grow. It's awesome!
Spiritually I am moving forward in that, I celebrated my 2 year anniversary of having God in control of my life and being a member of the LDS faith, can't believe it has been 2 years already. Wow! feels like I am still new and I don't know much about it all yet, but I love it and of what I do know and am learning it makes more sense than anything I've ever known. I am so excited for General Conference this coming weekend, and this October I am receiving the Melchizedek Priesthood two days after my birthday which will be exciting. God is more in control of my life now than ever before, I am like not tempted by anything I used to be tempted by, nothing feels as good as living right.
Mentally I have been challenging myself like crazy by running, doing crossfit, over extending myself in business, reading many books and continuing my education, this area needs more TLC but self image has shifted a great deal as well as thinking errors, these are symbolic of the whole fear of singing, I acquired a voice coach and I have leaped and bounded where I was, I was so insecure about singing my whole life and I started like maybe a year ago, but I got a coach this month and in about 4 lessons I am starting to understand it, now for years of rigorous practice. Snowboarding season is almost here. I cannot wait to do that. I think I am going to buy all new gear this year and a season pass. I want to make snowboard a 3 day a week 9-3 type thing. We shall see though.
Financially, I went to California and spent some time building RevvNRG and sharing great experiences with friends, this was a spur of the moment trip that you leave in an hour and roll out and drive through the night but it was wonderful, the ocean water was quite cold. Good times. Business is BOOMING, things are moving so fast, big things in the works, I am going to add a big zero to my income and help like 10 people quit their job next month, I turned it on like never before in business. I am so fired up and motivated to help people accomplish their goals because I have now accomplished mine. So I am on the war path, no one can tell me that RevvNRG doesn't work, I will just show them my bank account, they can't argue with reality, they just don't believe that they can do it. I know that they can, if they really want a genuine change in their lives this could be it for them. So it's THAT time where the path to being a 26 year old millionaire begins, by my birthday next year I will have done it and brought a bunch of people with me. I found the car that I want, $100 a gas tank twice a week is not a very wise thing, put it into perspective. That's $10,000 a year in gas, vs getting a car or something where it's like $80 a week and it's faster and more fun to drive, and I don't have anxiety about getting on it, that's like $5000 a year in gas, if I had a $400 car payment and I just had the truck sit in the garage that'd be $4,800 in a year on my car payment. That'd still be a budget cut and I'd have a new car and spend $10,000 in a year. It's much more efficient and would cost the same. So I went car hunting, reading about them and I will buy a black on black BMW 335xi, this is the all wheel drive, twin turbo, 3.0 liter in line 6, I will get intake, exhaust, Dinan stage 2 tuning, 19" Black and chrome wheels, HID angel eye projectors, tint, eyelids and remote start and it'll be perfect, like the image in my head. It'll be like the version 5.0 of my last car that I miss so much. So I am pumped for that.
Halli and I had a great month, she got to go to San Diego with her mom and Abdullah, (boyfriend) she was so happy to be home when I picked them up from the airport, it was cool. Halli has been integrating well into school, our favorite times are the conversation we have in the morning before the bus comes, I make her lunch every day :) I love that little habit, it adds so much meaning to my life, then walking her to the bus stop and praying as we depart, then my reason to live and wake up everyday and what I live for is this moment right here: About 3:39pm Monday - Thursday you will find me sitting on my red couch in my garage, and bus 96 passes our house, my heart starts beating faster, and sticking out the window is the biggest smile in the world and red hair flapping in the wind and you see light beaming from this little 7 year old's eyes as she waves furiously and yells "Hi Daddy!" That is the moment I live for, there is no greater joy or fulfillment in my world than that right there. Then I run to the bus stop and we run to each other and there is a big hug and kiss, then we talk about her day and what's been up in her and my world that day and then we do her homework together and go over what she learned and eat a nice snack. I live for that moment right there. Ahhhh! we went to "Scoopology" this month, we pass it at least 10 times a week and Halli had been wanting to go there for a while so I asked her if I could take her on a date and then we went there and she got coconut gelato and cotton candy ice cream topped with Swedish fish. Halli got a Hair cut for the first time! We straightened it and you can see it in the picture. it's cute! I miss when it was like shoulder length curls. I loved it. Bed time is always a really cute time with Halli, She is so cute, she flosses incessantly and has excellent technique, she sets her alarm clock and wakes herself up every morning, gets herself ready, checks all her stuff out to make sure it's all good, then... She comes and gets me up, or else I am downstairs making her lunch or breakfast, depends on the day.I realized a great deal this month
1. If we don't start ourselves out at the bottom we will bottom out. This was a funny concept, here I am realizing that there was a massive reassessment and bottoming out in my world, it's like a snake shedding skin, then there is growing involved, my house and truck went through overhaul and renovate mode last month and are nearing completion, I personally gave my notebook the same thing, then September was a month of massive beginnings and all the things I am doing I am on the bottom, unsure, not very good at, all new things, all challenging, all a little scary and in some ways, intimidating. Running, Crossfit, Decorating my new home, Church, Business in new territory, singing, wakeboarding, metaphysical and spiritual matters. In general it's humbling but it's change and it's starting on the bottom. We all plateau in our lives and get comfortable. It's recognizing that we are complacent and comfortable and that we need to grow and if we don't take action and put ourselves into a place where we can grow and an environment that will push us to the next level where it does get uncomfortable in the beginning but it'll take us higher, we will bottom out, get deflated and live that life that is a little less fulfilling.
2. You have to love yourself before you'd ever allow anyone else to love you. Love in general was a big one, love seemed to be the commonly running theme all month long, I feel I need to expand my capacity to love, in church that seemed to be what would stick out to me the most and in life as well, I want to have "I love you" Relationships with everyone. I see who they are and who they have the potential to become when I look in their eyes and I think they're beautiful and I love them for who and what they are. I learned that you cannot truly love someone else until you are opened to be loved. Most people are so closed off that they will not allow themselves to be loved, watch how often everyone is always folding their arms, try to connect with a person on a level for who they are to truly share with them in their lives and they fold their arms. "no, I'm just cold." or "It's more comfortable that way." Or, "What?! I always stand like this." Yes!!! You are cold! Yes!!! It would be far more comfortable to not let anyone it. Hahahahaha! YES! You do always stand like this!!! You have to love yourself before you'd ever allow anyone else to love you, let alone before you can truly love someone else. I realized I wasn't allowing people to love me, this was a very true revelation. Now as a result I am back in that place I was once in before I'd ever dated and had my first love. It's pretty new and really cool to be there.
3. God will always Bail us out, and all he asks for in return is that we be a better person. What a sweet trade off?! There are like 4 types of prayers, I have been guilty of them all. I will relate prayer to like when you are talking on the phone to one of your friends.
1. "Bro, I messed up I'm stuck, I need you to come help me." Then the next time you call you need something again and every time you call, you need something, you say thanks after it's done and then only call up when you need or want something. This is the empty cup.
2. "Bro... Hang on a sec... Oh!! you're still there!? My bad, Hang on a sec..." This is where you call your friend and you stay on the line but talk to the people around you and leave your friend hanging on the line and when you start conversation back up with your friend, you place them on hold and talk to the people around you again. This is the half full or half empty cup but where a decision hasn't been made on which stance they'll take/
3. "Bro... SO SICK!!! Just got the truck all gassed up, cleaned on the fridge, made some hummus, getting the floor dialed, chillin' with a couple epic friends, lovin' conference and bein' stoked I'm alive, havin' a good day... Gotta go, Thanks man! Peace!" This is where we need to be more often. Just callin' to say hi and thanks. This is where the cup is pretty full
4. "Bro... Thank you so much for all this stuff you gave me, this little body of mine is EPIC! it like moves when I tell it to and it can see and stuff, and this little device lets me push a button and talk to people thousands of miles away! Uhhh! This car is amazing! I sit in it and can go hundreds of miles without having to feed it and give it water! Thank you for MY LIFE! UHHHHH!!! I have so much cause you keep on hooking me up!!! Uhhhh! Is there anything I can do for you!?" This is where the cup is full and spilling onto the floor.
I want to be the fourth prayer all the time, we all do, it's just that sometime life gets in the way and what not. But to be in that place of gratitude and love all the time, feels really good. If you stop to think just how much you have to be grateful for it is overwhelming. If I was blind, I wouldn't be able to see my daughter smile, or lovingly look at me, I wouldn't see a sunset, be able to drive, look at paintings, watch a movie, shoot people with paintball guns, snowboard, wakeboard, see a pretty face, watch fireworks, read, enjoy a rainbow. There are so many things I have the capability to do that I have to be grateful for. Think of life without your feet and what your life would be like... No running, snowboarding, crossfit, it'd be inconvenient in a public bathroom, in the woods, in the city, you would have a tough time if there weren't elevators, dancing wouldn't be possible, driving would be more difficult, you'd depend on others so much that it'd stifle independence. There are a great deal of privileges we have that we don't appreciate there. I could go on and on about this all day! It's just great to be alive! Uhhhh!!! I get so pumped up! you try wiping the cheesy grin off my face right now! To think that this God guy just hooked it up like that for me cause he loves me and if I ever get in a bad spot where I need a GM style bail out, he's got my back and in return for that... He just asks that I be a better person. That's the kind of relationship I want to have with everyone! It's a worthy Ideal and it pumps me up. Uhhhh!
October is going to be EPIC!!! So many reasons... Thanks for reading this!
