So I have been pondering a great deal lately about relationships. I have so much swimming around in this cute brain of mine. I must share...
It's funny how I am with relationships, I have a semi-prolific and fantastical, "cute" brain, as it were, and it goes off into every detail and every rabbit hole and takes everything to end game. So when I meet someone, I tend to experience everything in my head and I leave little to nothing to present day reality. Let's peel it back though and analyze everything... Maybe I am not crazy... Although you may think otherwise if you keep reading.
I used to have 7 Relationship Rules in which to live by but that was short lived, I am a chronic recidivist, justifier and rule breaking extraordinaire. I started buying books on people, dating, relationships, love, romance, etc. You see, all my life I have wanted to find my one true love, the soul mate, the woman I would marry and be with forever :) I've wanted to be a husband and a father. I haven't had desires beyond that. I still don't. Honestly, everything I do is filler till "She" and I are united. I took in upon myself in the mean time to begin a journey into understanding people, reading social cues, facial geography, facial expressions and various types of reactions, eye movements, body language, tonality, NLP, personology, astrology, MBTI, the color code, archetypes, basic psychology, coping mechanisms, belief patterns, behaviors, personality types, temperaments, love languages and the list goes on and on, so that I could be a good husband and know how to understand her when the time came, that way, I could fulfill her needs interpersonally and she would feel loved. Studying all of this has helped so many people, it is powerful to think that she has had that much of an impact on all of these people all of this time yet we haven't met yet, or maybe we have, only God knows that. What a trip :) My good friend Payton always said "I did it for you." Now that he has "Her" it makes so much sense. He did. I am doing it all for her. She is effecting countless lives and doesn't even realize it. She is my muse and a totally special girl.
Relationships are fascinating, I was reading something earlier that I was reminded of that talked about the phases of relationships. What I find fascinating isn't so much the phases but the pillars. As far as phases go...
Phase 1. Infatuation... You're getting to know each other and you're hypnotized. This phase is fun!
Phase 2. Then it wears off... You are left with the person... This is where people bail...
Phase 3. The break up... Whether communicated properly, froze out, friend zoned, or cheated on, it ends.
I want to explain a concept I learned recently.
There are 7 pillars to a relationship, I have seen so many of my peers and people around me forge relationships on the weakest of pillars and watched their relationships crumble again and again. They all look different for different people but there really are 7 and here they are:
1. Spirituality: These are your beliefs in the deep things of life, for some it is God, Karma, Energy, Positivity, Love, gratitude, these are your core beliefs, this has absolutely NOTHING to do with religion. Examples: Being a Vegan because of your belief that killing Animals is wrong, believing in being selfless, being a kind person. Etc. These are your core beliefs and what you stand for. Being Christ like and believing in God.
2. Family: This is two-fold, your current family and their lifestyle and dynamic, and the family that you want to create, examples: Like if you are wrongfully opposed to having children, or if you want a lot of kids, or if you believe in adopting children, what you see your family like with your in-laws and present family and how your families mesh.
3. Friendship: This is the friendship that you have with your significant other, like how they are conversationally, on trips, late at night, early in the morning, the level of friendship connection you are able to establish with your partner and what that is like. This has a lot to do with how you click, sense of humor, communication, conflict resolution, time shared etc
4. Intimacy: This is a broader one, these are the tender intimate moments you share with your partner, whether it is in prayer, spiritual matters, or physical in affection, or massage, or cuddling, kissing etc, or in the vulnerable moments, when you are alone, how you two can relate and connect. This is intimacy, can you just stare at there eyes for 30 seconds, say nothing and be completely present? That is a wonderful test of intimacy. (Soul Gazing)
5. Health/Fitness/Nutrition: This is your lifestyle in a sense, it says how you feel about yourself physically and how you carry yourself in that manner, your major beliefs on this topic. Examples: You are strongly in favor of eating clean and working out, or you are a runner, you feel that is important, being with someone that is a couch potato that has poor eating habits won't work.
6. Career: This one is a big deal, this isn't just like your job, this is how you make your mark on the world, religion fits into this category, social accomplishments fit into this, Looks totally fit into this, goals, mindset, education, work ethic, direction, whether they be a "Conventionalist" or an Entrepreneur, a risk taker or more conservative, this is their image, what they aspire to be, the titles that define them. How someone looks with you and how it makes you look, what people will think of a significant other and how that'll be view in your life is social standings. That's career.
7. Interests/Hobbies: This is self explanatory, if you're into sports or opera, if you enjoy the guitar or white water rafting, hunting or video games, this is going to carry over lifestyle a great deal. If your family is into Nascar and your significant other is into Nascar, you undoubtedly will be into Nascar as well. When you marry someone, you don't just marry them, you marry their family and with that... You inherit their lifestyle and hobbies and interests.
-------------------------
Now that you have a basic idea of the 7 pillars. You rate them on which are most important to you and how that looks, feels or sounds to you. We are all different and will have different answers. I wrote them above in the order of importance for me. What is important to me, may not be important to the person I am dating at any given time.
I have a friend named Mike and he recently got into a relationship, he is early 20's and he likes this girl because they have so much in common, she's pretty and he likes kissing her...
Lets break it down... This is built on
Interests/Hobbies, Career and Intimacy. So IF they married, 20 years later, what do they have!?
I had a friend named Crystal that had an amazing friendship with spiritual backing, the intimacy was wild although they never got physical it was on a verbal and emotional level, they were aligned in family. That'd be a great basis for a relationship...
--------------------The Caveat--------------
What pillars are important to you, aren't always important to your partner. While Crystal has: Spiritual, Intimacy, Friendship and Family. The guy she's with is more into hobbies, interests, career and intimacy, so for him, one pillar hits and what's important to him isn't being met.
It's so much like love languages, we all have an idea of which ones we are, whether it be:
1. Words of Affirmation: Compliments, verbal acknowledgement, praise, saying thank you, giving detail to an accomplishment, etc, these words make a person feel loved and it will build their confidence and self esteem and make them feel loved
2. Quality Time: This comes by way of doing things together, whether a walk, a hike, something together, turn off the TV and discard the phone and be present, this will make them feel loved
3. Physical Touch: Sometimes all it takes is a hug, a pat on the back, the touch of the arm, hold hands, a scratch on the back, the physical touch person CRAVES loves through touch, they'll feel unwanted if they aren't touched regularly.
4. Acts of Service: Vacuuming or putting something away, going out of your way to do something out of love, whether it is cleaning up the kitchen or taking the time to prepare a meal for that person, or sewing some pants with a smile on your face ;) this is all demonstrative. "Actions Speak Louder than Words."
5. Gifts: Usually they don't have to be expensive gifts, "It's the thought that counts." To be thought of and gone out of the way for makes them feel loved. Giving gifts whether it's flowers or card, to be thought of makes these people feel loved.
But do we know what our partner's is? Now go deeper, through which love language do you give love, and which do you receive love?
Let's say that you are Words of Affirmation and your partner is Physical touch in how you receive love, but they give love through gifts. While you're giving them back gifts thinking that's how they are wanting love, they really want physical touch. So the result is that they feel unwanted and the gifts don't do anything for you because you receive love through Words of Affirmation.
I have made it a quest to master giving and receiving love through all 5 of them. I am learning how to love all over again. It is such a challenge! So not only do you have to link up at least 4 of 7 of the Pillars you value most, you have to make sure your partner's all line up too, then you figure out your primary and secondary love languages and how you give and receive those and then you find the same out of your partner and then communicate that with them so you both learn to love each other all over again.
If that wasn't all too much, there are some things that are worth looking into and considering.
1. Don't Make someone a priority if they only make you an option. This can be checked by matching their energy, or pulling back and seeing if you were the one always doing the work to hang out, to talk to them etc, look at your calls or texts, if you are always the one reaching out, and there is little to no reciprocation there is a good chance that you are an option. You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you, not someone who is on the fence about being with you.
2. Friend Zone: If you are put in the friend zone, there is a very likely chance that the person that put you there cannot handle you on account of they're either too insecure to handle you, not interested, have no idea what they want and want to play or they don't realize what they could have had. Either way, be with someone who knows exactly what they have, not someone that will realize it when they've lost you.
3. Does this person have a Positive relationship with their opposite sex parent. Look at how a son treats his mother, that is what you can expect to be treated like, look at girls that have major daddy issues, they spend their whole lives throwing themselves at guys and drawing unnecessary physical attention to themselves because they're seeking that love and approval from their father that they never had. Worst part of that is, if they haven't ever had a positive relationship with a man or woman in their life, how can they ever have one with you? There is no frame of reference and nothing to model after unless they have that relationship with their heavenly father.
4. Does this person bring you up, or down. Truthfully, we are who we surround ourselves with, there's no wonder that our income is an average of the 5 people we spend the most time around. Choose wisely in a spouse, do they enhance you, help you grow in the 6 aspects of life Spiritually, Emotionally, Intellectually, Physically, Financially, and Socially? It is said that a "True Friend," is someone that knows who you are and holds you accountable to a higher standard and constantly helps you grow into your best self. You need this in a partner.
5. How can you love someone else if you don't love yourself? You truly cannot. You must have your oxygen mask on first before you can help others put theirs on, if you are trying to go to a relationship to get what you don't have already, then you missed the point and proved it anyway, and you are most likely codependent, I am LDS, my faith is based on 2 commandments, "Love the lord your God with all your heart, mind, might and strength." & "Love thy neighbor as thy self." I have found that it is through God, and only God that we can come to love ourselves, then we have the capacity to love others. Otherwise it's like two starving people fighting over a piece of bread. A relationship is a place we go to give, not to get anything. It's to magnify the human experience.
6. You ARE worthy of love, and you completely deserve it: If God made us all imperfect, and God doesn't make mistakes then you are exactly the way you are supposed to be, exactly where you are supposed to be and how, and your life is unfolding perfectly the way it was supposed to, both the good and bad times. So if you believe that to be true, then to not love yourself or anything about yourself is like telling God that he made a mistake and that's downright blasphemous. Furthermore, if you give 100% of all that you have to a relationship and you truly do the best that you are capable of doing, how could you possibly give more than you have?! THAT is your personal best, that's all you are capable of, if you are working at your relationship, fully committed... Don't you deserve the same thing in return?
If we both initially agreed to invest $50,000 into a property and at the closing I only brought $10,000 you wouldn't let me get away with that, you'd make me get the other $40,000. So why do we put up with that with relationships?
With relationships, I feel that there is no perfect formula, we do the best we can, love is a choice, a decision... I love the word decide... In Latin it means to Kill off/cut off other options. If you are aligned with the same values, you communicate, have goals together and work at it and commit to loving each other no matter what, well that's the recipe for a good match. However... Your odds of finding "The One," Are 1 in 6.5 Billion people. This takes faith, if you can have faith in that, then believing in God should be easy. I believe that my lady's heart is so rooted in God that I get to seek him to be given her. :) Awww that made me smile all big right there and giggle.
What I love about my faith is that there is a beautiful concept of the perfect love triangle that shows as a husband and wife grow closer to God, they grow closer to each other through the relationship. That is beautiful. I feel like Adam, just hanging around the garden, getting a little tired. My heart yearns for my eternal companion, not from a place on loneliness or codependency but from a deep longing for my deepest desire. I am picky and quick to find all the reasons why it won't work out but I am getting better at not doing that on a daily basis and I am proud of myself for that. I have the faith and hope that I can go all in when it happens, however I have major trust issues, I won't settle for less than I deserve. There is peace in knowing that God has this perfect plan for me and I am following it and it will align as it is supposed to.
So for those of you that read this and are in a relationship, I challenge you to go through and assess your relationship, soul gaze a bit, love that person the way that they need to be loved and understand what you have your hands on exactly. Then work to make it better.
If you are not in a relationship and want to be in one, I want to end this blog with some of the best advice I have ever received in regards to dating, I will quote my good friend, Colby Jones. "Don't put as much thought and energy into dating, just make right decisions, live your life properly and let heavenly father unite you & your companion. It will happen the way it's supposed to. Don't worry. I love you."
If you received any value from this, share it.
It's funny how I am with relationships, I have a semi-prolific and fantastical, "cute" brain, as it were, and it goes off into every detail and every rabbit hole and takes everything to end game. So when I meet someone, I tend to experience everything in my head and I leave little to nothing to present day reality. Let's peel it back though and analyze everything... Maybe I am not crazy... Although you may think otherwise if you keep reading.I used to have 7 Relationship Rules in which to live by but that was short lived, I am a chronic recidivist, justifier and rule breaking extraordinaire. I started buying books on people, dating, relationships, love, romance, etc. You see, all my life I have wanted to find my one true love, the soul mate, the woman I would marry and be with forever :) I've wanted to be a husband and a father. I haven't had desires beyond that. I still don't. Honestly, everything I do is filler till "She" and I are united. I took in upon myself in the mean time to begin a journey into understanding people, reading social cues, facial geography, facial expressions and various types of reactions, eye movements, body language, tonality, NLP, personology, astrology, MBTI, the color code, archetypes, basic psychology, coping mechanisms, belief patterns, behaviors, personality types, temperaments, love languages and the list goes on and on, so that I could be a good husband and know how to understand her when the time came, that way, I could fulfill her needs interpersonally and she would feel loved. Studying all of this has helped so many people, it is powerful to think that she has had that much of an impact on all of these people all of this time yet we haven't met yet, or maybe we have, only God knows that. What a trip :) My good friend Payton always said "I did it for you." Now that he has "Her" it makes so much sense. He did. I am doing it all for her. She is effecting countless lives and doesn't even realize it. She is my muse and a totally special girl.Relationships are fascinating, I was reading something earlier that I was reminded of that talked about the phases of relationships. What I find fascinating isn't so much the phases but the pillars. As far as phases go...
Phase 1. Infatuation... You're getting to know each other and you're hypnotized. This phase is fun!
Phase 2. Then it wears off... You are left with the person... This is where people bail...
Phase 3. The break up... Whether communicated properly, froze out, friend zoned, or cheated on, it ends.
I want to explain a concept I learned recently.
There are 7 pillars to a relationship, I have seen so many of my peers and people around me forge relationships on the weakest of pillars and watched their relationships crumble again and again. They all look different for different people but there really are 7 and here they are:
1. Spirituality: These are your beliefs in the deep things of life, for some it is God, Karma, Energy, Positivity, Love, gratitude, these are your core beliefs, this has absolutely NOTHING to do with religion. Examples: Being a Vegan because of your belief that killing Animals is wrong, believing in being selfless, being a kind person. Etc. These are your core beliefs and what you stand for. Being Christ like and believing in God.
2. Family: This is two-fold, your current family and their lifestyle and dynamic, and the family that you want to create, examples: Like if you are wrongfully opposed to having children, or if you want a lot of kids, or if you believe in adopting children, what you see your family like with your in-laws and present family and how your families mesh.
3. Friendship: This is the friendship that you have with your significant other, like how they are conversationally, on trips, late at night, early in the morning, the level of friendship connection you are able to establish with your partner and what that is like. This has a lot to do with how you click, sense of humor, communication, conflict resolution, time shared etc
4. Intimacy: This is a broader one, these are the tender intimate moments you share with your partner, whether it is in prayer, spiritual matters, or physical in affection, or massage, or cuddling, kissing etc, or in the vulnerable moments, when you are alone, how you two can relate and connect. This is intimacy, can you just stare at there eyes for 30 seconds, say nothing and be completely present? That is a wonderful test of intimacy. (Soul Gazing)
5. Health/Fitness/Nutrition: This is your lifestyle in a sense, it says how you feel about yourself physically and how you carry yourself in that manner, your major beliefs on this topic. Examples: You are strongly in favor of eating clean and working out, or you are a runner, you feel that is important, being with someone that is a couch potato that has poor eating habits won't work.
6. Career: This one is a big deal, this isn't just like your job, this is how you make your mark on the world, religion fits into this category, social accomplishments fit into this, Looks totally fit into this, goals, mindset, education, work ethic, direction, whether they be a "Conventionalist" or an Entrepreneur, a risk taker or more conservative, this is their image, what they aspire to be, the titles that define them. How someone looks with you and how it makes you look, what people will think of a significant other and how that'll be view in your life is social standings. That's career.
7. Interests/Hobbies: This is self explanatory, if you're into sports or opera, if you enjoy the guitar or white water rafting, hunting or video games, this is going to carry over lifestyle a great deal. If your family is into Nascar and your significant other is into Nascar, you undoubtedly will be into Nascar as well. When you marry someone, you don't just marry them, you marry their family and with that... You inherit their lifestyle and hobbies and interests.
-------------------------
Now that you have a basic idea of the 7 pillars. You rate them on which are most important to you and how that looks, feels or sounds to you. We are all different and will have different answers. I wrote them above in the order of importance for me. What is important to me, may not be important to the person I am dating at any given time.
I have a friend named Mike and he recently got into a relationship, he is early 20's and he likes this girl because they have so much in common, she's pretty and he likes kissing her...
Lets break it down... This is built on
Interests/Hobbies, Career and Intimacy. So IF they married, 20 years later, what do they have!?
I had a friend named Crystal that had an amazing friendship with spiritual backing, the intimacy was wild although they never got physical it was on a verbal and emotional level, they were aligned in family. That'd be a great basis for a relationship...
--------------------The Caveat--------------
What pillars are important to you, aren't always important to your partner. While Crystal has: Spiritual, Intimacy, Friendship and Family. The guy she's with is more into hobbies, interests, career and intimacy, so for him, one pillar hits and what's important to him isn't being met.
It's so much like love languages, we all have an idea of which ones we are, whether it be:
1. Words of Affirmation: Compliments, verbal acknowledgement, praise, saying thank you, giving detail to an accomplishment, etc, these words make a person feel loved and it will build their confidence and self esteem and make them feel loved
2. Quality Time: This comes by way of doing things together, whether a walk, a hike, something together, turn off the TV and discard the phone and be present, this will make them feel loved
3. Physical Touch: Sometimes all it takes is a hug, a pat on the back, the touch of the arm, hold hands, a scratch on the back, the physical touch person CRAVES loves through touch, they'll feel unwanted if they aren't touched regularly.
4. Acts of Service: Vacuuming or putting something away, going out of your way to do something out of love, whether it is cleaning up the kitchen or taking the time to prepare a meal for that person, or sewing some pants with a smile on your face ;) this is all demonstrative. "Actions Speak Louder than Words."
5. Gifts: Usually they don't have to be expensive gifts, "It's the thought that counts." To be thought of and gone out of the way for makes them feel loved. Giving gifts whether it's flowers or card, to be thought of makes these people feel loved.
But do we know what our partner's is? Now go deeper, through which love language do you give love, and which do you receive love?
Let's say that you are Words of Affirmation and your partner is Physical touch in how you receive love, but they give love through gifts. While you're giving them back gifts thinking that's how they are wanting love, they really want physical touch. So the result is that they feel unwanted and the gifts don't do anything for you because you receive love through Words of Affirmation.
I have made it a quest to master giving and receiving love through all 5 of them. I am learning how to love all over again. It is such a challenge! So not only do you have to link up at least 4 of 7 of the Pillars you value most, you have to make sure your partner's all line up too, then you figure out your primary and secondary love languages and how you give and receive those and then you find the same out of your partner and then communicate that with them so you both learn to love each other all over again.
If that wasn't all too much, there are some things that are worth looking into and considering.
1. Don't Make someone a priority if they only make you an option. This can be checked by matching their energy, or pulling back and seeing if you were the one always doing the work to hang out, to talk to them etc, look at your calls or texts, if you are always the one reaching out, and there is little to no reciprocation there is a good chance that you are an option. You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you, not someone who is on the fence about being with you.
2. Friend Zone: If you are put in the friend zone, there is a very likely chance that the person that put you there cannot handle you on account of they're either too insecure to handle you, not interested, have no idea what they want and want to play or they don't realize what they could have had. Either way, be with someone who knows exactly what they have, not someone that will realize it when they've lost you.
3. Does this person have a Positive relationship with their opposite sex parent. Look at how a son treats his mother, that is what you can expect to be treated like, look at girls that have major daddy issues, they spend their whole lives throwing themselves at guys and drawing unnecessary physical attention to themselves because they're seeking that love and approval from their father that they never had. Worst part of that is, if they haven't ever had a positive relationship with a man or woman in their life, how can they ever have one with you? There is no frame of reference and nothing to model after unless they have that relationship with their heavenly father.
4. Does this person bring you up, or down. Truthfully, we are who we surround ourselves with, there's no wonder that our income is an average of the 5 people we spend the most time around. Choose wisely in a spouse, do they enhance you, help you grow in the 6 aspects of life Spiritually, Emotionally, Intellectually, Physically, Financially, and Socially? It is said that a "True Friend," is someone that knows who you are and holds you accountable to a higher standard and constantly helps you grow into your best self. You need this in a partner.
5. How can you love someone else if you don't love yourself? You truly cannot. You must have your oxygen mask on first before you can help others put theirs on, if you are trying to go to a relationship to get what you don't have already, then you missed the point and proved it anyway, and you are most likely codependent, I am LDS, my faith is based on 2 commandments, "Love the lord your God with all your heart, mind, might and strength." & "Love thy neighbor as thy self." I have found that it is through God, and only God that we can come to love ourselves, then we have the capacity to love others. Otherwise it's like two starving people fighting over a piece of bread. A relationship is a place we go to give, not to get anything. It's to magnify the human experience.
6. You ARE worthy of love, and you completely deserve it: If God made us all imperfect, and God doesn't make mistakes then you are exactly the way you are supposed to be, exactly where you are supposed to be and how, and your life is unfolding perfectly the way it was supposed to, both the good and bad times. So if you believe that to be true, then to not love yourself or anything about yourself is like telling God that he made a mistake and that's downright blasphemous. Furthermore, if you give 100% of all that you have to a relationship and you truly do the best that you are capable of doing, how could you possibly give more than you have?! THAT is your personal best, that's all you are capable of, if you are working at your relationship, fully committed... Don't you deserve the same thing in return?
If we both initially agreed to invest $50,000 into a property and at the closing I only brought $10,000 you wouldn't let me get away with that, you'd make me get the other $40,000. So why do we put up with that with relationships?
With relationships, I feel that there is no perfect formula, we do the best we can, love is a choice, a decision... I love the word decide... In Latin it means to Kill off/cut off other options. If you are aligned with the same values, you communicate, have goals together and work at it and commit to loving each other no matter what, well that's the recipe for a good match. However... Your odds of finding "The One," Are 1 in 6.5 Billion people. This takes faith, if you can have faith in that, then believing in God should be easy. I believe that my lady's heart is so rooted in God that I get to seek him to be given her. :) Awww that made me smile all big right there and giggle.
What I love about my faith is that there is a beautiful concept of the perfect love triangle that shows as a husband and wife grow closer to God, they grow closer to each other through the relationship. That is beautiful. I feel like Adam, just hanging around the garden, getting a little tired. My heart yearns for my eternal companion, not from a place on loneliness or codependency but from a deep longing for my deepest desire. I am picky and quick to find all the reasons why it won't work out but I am getting better at not doing that on a daily basis and I am proud of myself for that. I have the faith and hope that I can go all in when it happens, however I have major trust issues, I won't settle for less than I deserve. There is peace in knowing that God has this perfect plan for me and I am following it and it will align as it is supposed to.So for those of you that read this and are in a relationship, I challenge you to go through and assess your relationship, soul gaze a bit, love that person the way that they need to be loved and understand what you have your hands on exactly. Then work to make it better.
If you are not in a relationship and want to be in one, I want to end this blog with some of the best advice I have ever received in regards to dating, I will quote my good friend, Colby Jones. "Don't put as much thought and energy into dating, just make right decisions, live your life properly and let heavenly father unite you & your companion. It will happen the way it's supposed to. Don't worry. I love you."
If you received any value from this, share it.
